The View from Sports Center

Chapter 19: Drugged in the Dreaded Tube

Friday morning arrived at the front door of my mind carrying with it plenty of sluggish luggage. When I didn't answer, it just knocked harder, louder, longer. Finally, I chugged and sputtered out of bed feeling like my brain was coated in a thick jelly.

Hung-over is too gentle a description.

"Coffee - that'll help," I thought.

As I sipped my third cup, the true length of the day settled in. "I hate MRIs," reverberated in my jelly filled head.

My druggie hang over was induced by MRI Guy.

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"So, what are you, about 6'2"...6'3?" asked MRI Guy.

"Yeah..about that," I replied.

"You know, at that height, I mean, we could, ya' know, do this without meds. Your head will be outta' the tube and it's only a 20 minute test so, if ya' wanna' do this without meds, I mean, we could. Of course, up to you," said MRI Guy.

"Yeah, well, I hated the last one. I'll stick with meds," I said.

"Ok, but, like I said it's only a 20 minute test and your head will be outta' the tube and everything, so ya' know, you could," said MRI Guy.

I wondered if  "WIMP" had magically appeared on my head like some sort of stigmata.

"Like I said, I hated it. Meds for me," I replied tersely.

He escorted Elle and me into a "SEDATION" room (and, why not call this RELAXATION and be just a pinch more consumer centric is beyond me) where I donned paper pants and shirt and skid free socks. You never know how many people will break out into a Tom Cruise Risky Business Hall Way Slide while waiting for an MRI.

MRI Guy comes back after 10 minutes or so and asks, one more time, if I might, just might want to try this thing without meds. I want to punch him. He doesn't understand of course how nasty I can get without food or water; how tasty his right arm really looks right now. I have a strong urge to bite him.

But, I just say, "NO" and chew up a specially formulated ZANEX which has the most bitter taste I can ever recall.

MRI Guy asks me to lie down and then covers me up with a blanket. It's 102 degrees outside, and I appreciate this token gesture of customer service, but I would rather have a chilled rag.

After about 15 minutes, MRI Guy pokes his head in and says,"So, how ya' feelin'?"

I hate that; ask me some generic question and expect a specific answer. How the hell do I know? I'm on ZANEX, remember? So, I say, "I don't know. Ok, I guess. How am I supposed to feel?"

To which, MRI Guy replies, "Well, wanna' give it a try?" as if I'm about to get on a ride at Six Flags. Yippeee! The MRI Daddy! Can I ride? Huh? Huh? Can I?

These are things that float through your mind when you're on ZANEX.

So, off I go into the MRI room. I lie down on the table and suddenly, as if he popped out the Dreaded Tube, I see what might be a troll standing next to me. I think the ZANEX is kicking in big time.

"So, Hey there Big Guy! Are you ready? Here's the deal, now, as you slide into this tube, I'm gonna' ask you to just lift those big feet up a little 'cuz, ifya' don't, well, your knee caps are gonna' rub on the top the tube and that's not gonna' feel too good so lift'em up when I tell ya', Ok? And, don't cross your arms but keep'em up 'cuz as big as you are you're gonna' rub the side of tube too," Troll Guy booms in a big, baritone voice with the speed of one of those announcers at the end of a commercial reading all the fine print and disclaimers.

Troll Guy slides me in the tube, tells me to life my feet, which I do but not enough as my knee caps jam into the top of the tub so I lift them higher until Troll Guy says "Ok, that's it." And, my knee caps are firmly pressed against the top of the tube with each shoulder snuggly packed in on the sides. Sardine comes to mind.

But, I don't care.

ZANEX is king.

The absolute King of Never Caring Land. I laid in the tube for 30 minutes with all sorts noise and movement and rubbing on my knee caps and pressing on my shoulders and at one point I looked up and was ALL THE WAY IN THE TUBE! You LIAR!

But, I don't care.

Once the test was over, I stumbled back into the SEDATION ROOM, and made a poor attempt at dressing my self. I managed to do it but from the way Elle described it, I was aiming poorly for various leg and arm openings in my clothes.

By the time I arrived home, I was trashed. As I got out of the car, I tripped over a plant, careened off one of the cars in the garage, bumped into a shelving unit and finally came face to face with the door. Big Guy was walking a like a little guy; like the 3 years old kind of little.

I don't remember too much else that happened that afternoon other than trying to eat a sandwich and having a hard time figuring out that my mouth was not on the side of my face.

I fell asleep for a little over three hours, got up, not sure what I did and went to bed to wake up with Friday morning knocking on my door with plenty of sluggish luggage.

And, the results from all of this? What did my MRI show?

That's next.

Chapter 18: The Dreaded Tube

"I've been fooled before with something like this so I think it's a good idea," explained Dr. White.

"Really? Well, ok, I don't mean to challenge your logic, well, I guess I am actually, but what will  another MRI show us at this stage? What's the algorithm?" I asked.

"If your MRI is the same or better, then I think we consider an injection, an epidural. If it's worse, then we'll need to talk about surgery," said Dr. White.

The words came out in a casual, matter-of-fact manner like he had just invited me to dinner. I sat there for a minute and then asked, "So, you think surgery is a real possibility?"

"Well, I doubt it. Your nerve function is better but, like I said, with the symptoms of burning, you could have extended the lesion," said Dr. White.

Extended the lesion. That's med-speak for "your herniation worse." My mind was pacing back and forth like a lion in a cage. I had completely re-structured my life, my work, my, well, everything, thinking that this was my best chance for helping the injury heal and if now, after all of this, all of the effort and time and sacrifice, I ended up right where I didn't want to be....I....just.....wanted....to roar.

But, I didn't. That would have completely freaked out Dr. White. I said, "Ok, MRI then. But, really this time, I need either drugs or one of those really big tubes. The last one felt like a coffin."

Dr. White chuckled. "Sure. No problem. We'll set it up for you to be medicated."

"So, what does the medication do? Knock me out?" I asked.

Again, another chuckle. "Well, you won't have many memorable events. You might feel sleepy and some people do fall asleep and you'll need someone to drive you home," he said.

Great. I won't have many memorable events. That, of course, doesn't mean I won't produce memorable events. I'll probably be one of those people who under sedation say all sorts of stuff that they otherwise would never say like, "Whoa, you're hot!" to a complete stranger and then become the centerpiece of discussion for the radiology department for the next week.

I sat with this in my head for a day or so and then thought, "You know, I could probably handle an open MRI." So, I called Peggy.

"Dr. Gordon White's office," said Peggy.

"Hi, Peggy. This is Doug Kelsey. I've been thinking and I could handle an open MRI. I'm sorry to inconvenience you but could you switch my appointment to an open?" I said with words peppering Peggy's ear.

A pause crept over the line. "Weeeellllll...Dr. White doesn't like to use open MRI. The resolution isn't good enough for him. I'm sorry..." and Peggy's voice trailed off.

"Well, ok then. Back in the tube, I guess," I replied.

"Yeah, I'm sorry. Remember, nothing to eat or drink for four hours prior to your arrival at the facility," said Peggy.

"Got it. Thanks Peggy," and I hung up the phone.

It just keeps getting better. With any luck, I'll fall asleep from low blood sugar and the drugs and miss the whole thing.

And, it's happening today.

Why Fixing Posture Alone Rarely Fixes Pain

Tiger - a Verb? (READ THIS ONE)

"Hey, buddy - you might want to think about that first. You don't want to tiger your knee, do you?"

Tiger played for a year on an injured, unstable knee; a knee that with each powerful swing, chipped away at the protective lining of his joint - the articular cartilage. And a lot of people are left scratching their heads wondering, "Why?"

Maybe it's because no one sat down with him and had "the talk": eye to eye, close up, intense, in-your-face honesty about what was coming if he chose to play without reconstructing his knee. Or, maybe someone had the talk but Tiger chose not to listen. We don't know but I suspect it was a blend of both.

I understand the power of emotion behind the drive to prove your self, to be the best, to never let up. Those are the character traits of winners. And, ironically, they are the same traits that can put you on the sidelines for a very long time when faced with an injury like Tiger's.

I would hate to see Tiger's choice to play on an injured knee, to play wrapped in denial, become a verb in everyday life; to become a word that describes a misguided personal choice rather than a word the describes a masterful golfing choice. He can make a come back but only if he can channel his competitiveness into behaviors that help him rather than hurt him.

Make today count.
Doug Kelsey

P.S. - so I goofed on my last post. I had started it and saved it and sent it without it being completed. Sorry you got this one twice.

Tiger is Out

Tiger is out for the rest of this season.

According to his web site, he will undergo reconstructive surgery for a torn anterior cruciate ligament and then go through rehab for it as well as a double stress fracture of the tibia. The stress fractures were discovered just before the Memorial tournament last month. "The stress fractures were attributed to Woods' intense rehabilitation and preparations for the 2008 U.S. Open." The arthroscopic surgery he had roughly six weeks ago was for torn cartilage caused by the tearing of the anterior cruciate ligament in 2007 (while running near his home in Orlando).

I'll have more thoughts on this later......

Anyone care to comment? Click the comment link below if you do.